Introducing WebClenz®

by Allan Hoving

Ever get the feeling you’re being Googled? You’re probably right. Our
exclusive, branded research on Internet usage indicates that people you
barely even know are rooting around online trying to get the goods on you an
average of 3.4 times a day!

What are they searching for? Oh, you know: Those public documents detailing
your divorce. That classified ad trying to unload a push-mower you used
twice. That series of late-night bulletin board postings spiraling into
absurdity about the true meaning of the movie “Signs.” These are just a few
of the embarrassing bits of digital detritus floating around the Worldwide
Web with your name attached.

Maybe you’re the governor of a small New England state who’s been
renovating a vacation cottage and trading decorating tips on Or a staffer for a prominent Washington executive,
uploading suggestive images to Or a King of Pop who
impulsively used Bubbles as your screen name when you registered at Don’t wind up on the wrong end of TheSmokingGun!

Introducing WebClenz.® Our patent-pending spiderbots crawl the Web 24/7 to
alert you whenever an old college roommate or business acquaintance turns
cyberstalker. Then with our automated Java-scripting technology (now in beta
test), WebClenz scrubs your name clean from all unauthorized HTML code,
expunging unfortunate references forever.

And to ensure you look your very best in cyberspace, our services also
include a Virtual Identity Makeover. ™ Our expert team of former
Kremlinologists and New York Times reporters creates compelling online
content, retouched digital photos, even an entire edgy weblog listing you as

In the market for a new gig in this jobless recovery? Our resume experts
will concoct sterling credentials—and post them on Monster, Yahoo, and
SixFigureJobs AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE! Likewise, we can fabricate an
appealing Yahoo! Personals Profile for you out of whole cloth, one that is
guaranteed to generate hits, if you know what we mean ;-).

No need to worry that an Image Search will turn up some bitmapped thumbnail
taken by your 6-year-old with the digital camera. Our stock-image bank
offers over 15,000 hi-res headshots of well-groomed aspiring actor/actresses
from which to choose. We simply insert your data in the caption, change the
filename and propagate!

Delivering on its democratizing promise, the Internet has made the tools of
the sleazy private investigator accessible to anyone with a computer and a
modem. And with high-speed broadband adoption climbing
fast, there’s simply no time to lose. Visit today!

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